A mind moving forward

My mind is truly everywhere, at times I have thoughts about things I don't normally think about. It often scare me when I think about how much has changed about me and my mind since I've graduated high school. I've done some things I've Prolly would have never done, but the question is why the change in my ways. Maybe its some things that happened before that I haven't just dealt with yet or maybe some things afterward. Someone close to me told me I have abandonment issues, now that may or may not be true but I know for sure that I have some issues That I do need to work out in my mind and in my heart. I plan to go see someone about who I am because the man before you isn't the man I know. When I look in the mirror I don't see myself. Funny my God mother says the same. She says she don't recognize my facial expressions, telling me That they are void and without meaning and she's not used to looking at me like that. I try to pull myself together as much as I can but nothing seems to work. I really hope I come out of this as someone I recognize, and stop hurting people and myself.

Are You Afraid Of Being Different?

On the path of evolution, we move from being a willing and obedient member of the group to wanting to take control over our own lives. This is a necessary but difficult transition.

At this point we are afraid of being ourselves. We are afraid of being unique and different. We are afraid of being individually powerful, and even successful. For all of these things stand against the old ways that told us that conformity was right and individualism was wrong.

For as long as we possibly can, we make a compromise. We try to live both lives - the dependent tribal life and the independent personal life - as contradictory and opposite as they are.

We want approval from others. We want to be accepted and popular. We seek this comfort to overcome our fear and feel more secure. ...So, at times when we conform, we don’t feel the fear of living. But we might lose the new sense of adventure, discovery, daring and enthusiasm for life that the questioning and questing have brought us.

Completed

questions that get asked while no answers have been given. the truth becomes obsolete while the lies become livin, misfortune and despair are only perception my thoughts remain clear while yours keep you guessin, to the confession of my deceptions trickle down the spine like a bad lesson, better quit messin while your ahead in this game with secluded fortune and fame. the realities i see are like a dimension in 3-d, with the optical illusions that become to hard to percieve causing a struggle to breathe, you cant even see that its about to be free you've unlocked the darkness in me. i begin to slice open and bleed, till the red turns to green. i've given up on it all life becomes to obscene, dont worry jus finish it im done with all the shit and absorbed the final hit, it wasnt the face or the chest you've punctured my heart and put it to the test, but i failed like the rest, you've proven your the best, so jus leave me alone im already obsessed, yeah i've confessed but at least i feel free and finally me, even though i hate it beyond all reality. so i guess that thats it, the hope has been dropped just finish off the life of the heart that you've stopped.

Not Required

I complete my ritual 
and watch blood run down the drain 
Waiting, just waiting 
for it to release my pain 

I find that my cuts 
aren't healing as they once were. 
I feel the blood leave my body 
and I thought I was so sure. 

I think about how she hurt me 
and blink away the tears. 
I know if someone found the cuts 
they'd think of my in fear. 

Confessing my lack of love 
to those who do not mind 
Hating myself for knowing 
I've put them in a bind. 

I know this habit is bad 
but it's the only thing that helps. 
And even when I do it 
I feel my heart melt. 

Hate rushes through me 
as I think of what I've done. 
For those who do not know me 
could do nothing but shun. 

I just want you to look at me 
and think of me as a child. 
The one you never had 
to think of all the while. 

This thing I've become 
acustom to brings me 
one step closer to death. 
But then just maybe you would see. 

I've always needed you 
And you never needed me.

Rectified

I have a lot of anger... 
I feel it's justified. 
I wont take retaliation, 
I just want it rectified. 

You promised you'd be here for me. 
But then you betrayed me, turned your back. 
Was it just your other easy way out? 
Or was it backbone that you lacked. 

You made promise to another... 
On your grave. 
You said you'd watch over me. 
But in the end you sidestepped them away, 
To satify the powers that be. 

I hope you never need me. 
For I'll be here to the end. 
But remember when I turn my back... 
And you thought you had a friend.

Mouth Of Misery

All alone, all alone, all alone… 
Starving and deprived 
Of life 
Staring into emptiness 
Barren and cruel 
A desert of thought 
Beat upon by two suns 
Fear and pain rule this place 
No companions to take my side 
No guide to help me through 
This place is taking its toll 
Slowly my sanity unravels 
Strand by strand 

What’s there to do 
I’m in the mouth of misery 
Looking death in the face 
Lost in the mouth of misery 

All alone, all alone, all alone… 
Kicking and screaming 
To no avail 
Fighting the undertow 
So useless 
Drowning in this sea of anger 
Can’t stay afloat 
To succumb to my pain 
Is merely an eventuality 
The inevitability of my end 
Is far from guised 
My mind caves in black 
And I sink under

Untitld (for now)

I am lost amongst
the flakes
of this new year's
aches
no one hears
the heart's call
for my smile is so small
and cannot part the lips
to liberate the words
your thoughts cover up your ears
you cannot hear
no one hears
the heartbeat's call
the words imprisoned by a smile
too small
yet indestructible wall
of despair
the need of you needs air
the need of you is deeply in need
for a spot
where you and I
can meet
where your thought
is my thought and my thought
doesn't bleed.